Sickness, Summers, Fathers, and Lovers: MY Personal Journey to Los Angeles

* Just a preface. While I'm writing this, sitting next to me is the daughter of a very good family friend. She's the most adorable blond 4year old in the world. and now apparently is my buddy. Which is going to allow me to get through this much easier. Considering I write this with a very heavy heart.

*Also, I will not use real peoples names or names of the actual places. For the people who were involved and around, it won't be a secret, and probably obvious, but I will not be calling out anyone. That is not the purpose of this.




I really have to start at the beginning...


About 6-8 months ago I got a call from my brother at 7am. Our father had been traveling overseas the 6 months previous. While in India, he discovered (doctors did anyway) after a bout of extreme unexplainable weight loss, a serious tumor had grown in his abdomen. I knew, before my brother said anything else, that I was about to go through a loaded time in my life. And from his tone, I could tell that this was going to be about as serious as it gets. The rest of the conversation went through me like a train. My brother gave me the details in a warm yet no nonsense kind of way. I always appreciated him for that. I took in a deep breath, and put my armor on for the long haul. My chest felt caved in, and uncontrollable crying was sitting just behind my eyes. I could hold it back, but knew it really wouldn't take much to send me over the edge. I got up and started the first day of what felt like the beginning of a new life.



Over my life, history, experiences, pain…I taught myself to hold my emotions very close to the chest. It kept the pain from getting to deep. But, unfortunately, it kept the pain that did get in from being released. I can feel it, even now while I write this, it sits right behind the eyes. As if a boiling pressure wanted to explode them out. Just pure pain, that deep pain that comes from everything you are.



The next month was one of the most traumatic in my life. The diagnosis from a top cancer institute went from hopeful to grim almost hourly. At a time when you need something to just be "sure of" the most. It was never so. My father wasn't in the mood for "what ifs", he needed to know if he was going to live the next day. That was the situation. And even when he couldn't say it, you could read it like scripture on his face. Crying doesn't really stop after that. It just slows down and speeds up. I will never forget that face, in that dusty Arizona hotel, for the rest of my life.

When "terminal" was the final call, there was an odd wave of comfort. They described my father's ultimate fate as far off (year or two) and wouldn't come suddenly. 

Everyone could breath again before having to process the next round. Breathing mainly out of necessity, since we all hadn't been doing much of it recently.

With things a bit "calm", relatively, my father slowly travels up and down the west coast visiting immediate family and friends. I guess this is a good time to mention the location in which all this and what comes later takes place. I am from the SF area. My father is located in AZ. With this next section we descend upon Los Angeles.

My uncle (god bless him, even though I'm not religious) insisted that my father get a second opinion on possible treatments on the tumor. The decision of "terminal" was based originally on the size and proximity to major organs and arteries. Basically making it inoperable. Or at least this institution thought so, as it was so well regarded around the world my father was content with its decision. My uncle was not. So an appointment was made at the major LA medical center with a specialist. Everyone hopeful.



My father, who had come to an acceptance of his fate, wasn't hoping to get anything out of the appointment except further confirmation of the previous conclusion. Well, his mind changed when on the drive down to said appointment the tumor started impacting his internal organs. Before, it had simply taken up space. Now, his stomach and intestines were being "crushed". While driving down he found he wasn't able to eat...or even keep down water. My brother drove him straight to the medical center in LA, and to the emergency room.



At the time of all of this I was living in a house in Oakland, CA. I hadn't been there very long but it was comfortable. And more importantly I was living in my own space for the first time since a traumatic break up with my ex the year or so previous. Said relationship was three years long, and that came right after another relationship I was in while living out of state. So, to finally have my own space, just for me, as a solo person again, was pretty huge in my world. I was really at a point where my trajectory was hazy. I didn't know how happy I was in my area. I'd become accustomed to my "gypsy" like lifestyle. Moving every year, changing jobs, had just became normal for me. My point is as soon as I landed in my own world, I may have just as quickly started looking for a way out.



That's a really important point.



LA.



My job at the time was great. It was incredibly flexible, and I could shift hours around so I didn't have to lose much income. When my father had his consultation with the doctor, surgery was decided as a viable option. I told work when and how long, and took a drive that would lead my life to a whole new direction. I just didn't know it yet. 

At the time I was nervous, excited, relieved, and completely stressed out of my mind. It's funny, I hit some kind of euphoria of emotional overload. I was (figuratively) high the entire trip. I felt pretty crazy actually. Flying off of an emotional and physical roller coaster and not really understanding where I was. As I said, I play emotions pretty close to the chest...but now I was slipping into a loopy zone. To say I have a "conflicted" relationship with my father would be skimming the surface. I feel a lot of "men" have this...so I won't bore with the details. But its enough that I felt pretty weighted facing the possibility of having issues go unresolved permanently. My emotions had a firm grasp on my state of mind.



*The timing of what follows may be a little off as far as specific days, and how long in between things happened...I can only recall it to the best of my ability with everything that's happened since.



I arrive in LA on a Tues. I go straight to the hospital. Of course...pretty standard family emotional stuff. Members were bickering and over analysing the information. Leaving for food, and wandering about town can only last so long. Eventually I couldn't take it and went to my Grandma's to crash. The surgery was scheduled for Thurs. Which meant I still had all Wed to soak in LA heat...so I made plans on Wed night to meet up with friends. You think about this stuff in hindsight and its like...wow...that night was way more affecting on my life than I expected. It hits you in the chest sometimes. I have trouble breathing sometimes.



Wed. was a blur. I went to the hospital, I went for food, etc...The hospital scene that day was overloaded with well wishes, and the faint fog of unease. The general consensus was we were all satisfied with the surgeon, so the mood was very positive. But underneath everyone knew there was a possibility it could be my father's last night. My cousin co-owns a great little wine bar hangout, I usually go there to hang at least one night whenever I'm in town. This night I showed up planning to kill time before meeting my best friend who lived down the way. I was going to try and convince him to show up (which I eventually did) but in case that didn't work I wanted to get a little time in with the cuz before hand. Of all my family members, he's probably the one I'm closest to, I see him more often anyway.




I walk in, it's pretty early in the night I think...6pm or so. A little empty...but it's wed so whatever. This was June fyi, and it was hot. I had been everywhere, and I was sweaty and pretty dirty feeling. And was looking for distraction. wine obviously seemed like the first choice. A woman, or hook up would be nice. But really just to disconnect. I walk in and see him in the very back room area. As I walk into the bar I see these two girls sitting at the DJ station, using it as a table. It's basically a open window break between the back and the main floor of the bar. My vision was erratic at best. Hazy and blurred from my heightened emotional state as well as the heat.



The first one I noticed was sitting on the left. The dress was straight out of a Tim Burton movie. And she had jet black hair to match. This immediately got my glance. The other seemed nice but I didn't catch as good a look by the time I walked past to greet my cousin. She seemed "flashy",  I just kept thinking about the other one's dress. It was long, slim and slightly loose but fitting, white with black stripes, top to bottom. I can't say I saw her face clearly right off the bat. I was walking through pretty quickly. But I got a closer look later.


My cousin was sitting in the back on a computer dealing with business. We relocate to the front part of the space. As we pass back through the half doorway, I noticed the DJ was now setting up, and the two girls looked to be getting shuffled off their perch soon. I sit with my back to them. My cousin across while I mumble out whats going on. My breath shakes as I reiterate everything. The surgery the next day was to be incredibly long (5+ hrs) and still wasn't a guarantee. Nothing in life is, but this…well…if you needed anything to be a sure thing…it was this. 

Over the previous year, post the breakup I mentioned earlier. I…well…I was a slut. Seriously, I played the field, then went to play the field across town too. I was fucking my way through some serious baggage (Safely…always safely). I impressed myself. So, while talking to my cousin, I mentioned how nice it would be to have some distraction of the naked variety. I was into a glass of wine at this point. That coupled with my fragile emotional (and exhausted) state, it felt like 5 glasses. I whip my head around the bar, and mention I liked the look of the girl with the "Tim Burton" dress. Just to illustrate really, not being 100% serious. Now, I was still getting used to this "picking up" a girl thing. Mostly getting used to being able/comfortable to actually do it. I'm still a shy kid at heart. I sometimes still needed a little push,  but have gotten pretty good at carrying the ball from there.




I got my push…I think that's what happened anyway.


My cousin was always working. So, when I show up its normal for him to jump up and disappear when things need to get done. Soon after I mention the distraction, girl thing…I think I was also talking about my dating (slut) life…he gets up and walks past me to the back. I sit for a moment…on the edge of the table, the corner, from behind me I feel two bodies move past. One, whips around and sits where my cousin once was in front of me, and next to me…the dark haired beauty in a Tim Burton dress. 




I never found out if my cousin had anything to do with that. I never asked. I discovered later that the Tim Burton beauty, when I walked in, had eyed me as well…a moment where two things were meant to find each other. I think everyone knows what I'm talking about. You've felt it...

well, maybe I'm talking it up to much.

"K" sitting next to me, is pulling all my triggers…I was attracted immediately. A dirty, inappropriate sense of humor, and tattoos all over...beat my heart to death please. "S" sitting across from us was obviously playing "wing man". I could see the dynamic, I wasn't ignorant to it. It was a lot of fun. The flirting was flying…and got more and more pointed. Basically it came down to the two of us just inviting each other into a hot one night hook up. I explained my situation, she hers, and the deal was struck. I had my father's surgery, and she, celebrating the finalization of her divorce paperwork. Gotta love it when a plan comes together. The way that sounds, writing it now, cracking that armor of mine for a moment, just enough…


I was buzzed. I was dancing inside. My friends showed up while all this was going on. I have a bit of a reputation among my friends…of getting lucky in the most random of ways. I have some pretty good stories. But when "K" and "S" got up to leave…without hesitation…the first kiss. A buzzed wine kiss? well…but also I think there was something found that I needed. When they left, my friends gave me that look like, "you just met her tonight?!" Sometimes that's just how things roll. She started texting to me immediately. I could feel something starting…




I felt insane. I was buzzed off the wine and girl. But also the extreme stress of the tomorrow that had the potential to change my life dramatically. Now my emotions are spinning in a deadly cocktail of happy and sad. I had successfully numbed myself for the evening. But also I had found the emotional morphine button I was off handedly looking for. At the time I loved that I did. Who wouldn't. This gave me a place to go when I couldn't go anywhere. I was so grateful to have that. At the same time, now, I didn't have to be in my space. I could disappear, disconnect. At a time I had the real of real shit to process for myself, I now had a "check-out". That aspect wasn't a good thing for me. It was to attractive for me. I wanted to not be where I was so much. But thinking on it now…that's exactly where I needed to be.

Thursday morning I woke up at Grandma's. It was surgery day.



to be continued.