Choke up.
Returning back to Oakland, back to my life was a rough transition. My head space felt very separated between where I had come from and where I was now returning to. The house I was living in at the time was actually fairly new to me. I think I had only been there a month or so before all this started at the cancer center in Arizona. I really can't think of a better word to describe it than numb. Euphoric maybe. But definitely changed. It's a really hard thing to watch this person who you grew up to feel as kinda invincible. That look of utter defeat. It's a haunting thing to see. My whole perception of things got flipped upside down. Was this what people meant when they talk about your priorities changing in an instant?
No one at work really asked where I was. Most people there don't really even notice, schedules change so much. A simple answer was usually all it takes. It was just so hard to even talk about…it was so weighted, so many ins and outs. I was still sorting out a considerable amount of things overall. It was easy that way, my job was my sanctuary.
Another part of all of this…I haven't even touched upon yet. Was that I was trying to schedule finishing out filming on my short film…which *ugh…I still need to edit…anyway. It was a big deal for me…and another victim of my inherent ability to distract myself. The film was a tepid attempt at showing how easy it is to cloud our minds in times of or after events of great life stress. This story in particular was about a man in his grief and guilt over realizations of his sons death being directly caused by his drunken neglect. yeah…I like the rough stuff, I watch a lot of Lars Von Trier…so sue me.
But the producing process was a huge learning curve for me…and with the emotional weight of everything that had just happened…it was a tough process. I was working through stress on top of dealing with more stress. It was good stress…but compounded it was a little much to take. There were casualties. My blessed cinematographer stayed with me through it all. A friend of a friend came on as a producer…to help alleviate my work load and also gain some experience. He was dealing with his own stuff…and eventually our working relationship imploded. Which I don't hold anyone to blame for. It was actually one of the most important experiences I've had. In film, you always hear of creative disagreements on set…and they always sound scary and intense. So when being faced with the same thing I kinda crumbled a bit…But having gotten through it…barely…pulling up my bootstraps and just working with what I could to make it all work. Was extremely rewarding. Taught me a lot about what is really needed out of you to get that shit done! I'm still working on those skills.
So with my work schedule I had three days off in the middle of the week. Which is great for quick LA trips. I found that my father was being released from the hospital in conjunction with those days. So I decided to come down and help with the transition. He was going to just move to a hotel for the week, since he had to be right back for tests and the event that anything should happen. For sure now you can see what a logistical dance all this is. It's never quite over…the times in-between things to do just get longer. I head down on a Tuesday. "K" of course was aware, and she had taken Wednesday off to spend the day together. Pretty sure the plan was just to lay around naked all day. Pretty sure that's what happened…naked and dorky movies…a good day.
I digress.
Anyway, I get down to the hotel on Tuesday. My father and brother hadn't quite left yet. So I go in and take care organizing the room. We all get together and my father is sore…stiff. I can't even imagine what a wound like that would feel like…to feel yourself practically stapled together. Jeez. When talking to the doctors the main concern was to make sure the intestines weren't getting twisted, and working properly. So much injury. Injury everywhere, in the mind as well as the body. I'm thinking now that all three of us hadn't really been alone in a room together in years and years…years and years…wow.
I obviously wasn't staying the night. With how we'd been talking, "K" and I basically make plans together for me to stay with her. With all the above going on with me. Having someone…neutral to spend time with gave me a healthy release. Better than the bottle…thank god for my good friends but the alcohol solution to dealing with this particular situation didn't seem like it was the best route. Having someone…with no preconceptions of me…or my past, was a welcomed departure from how I usually use substances to cope. I still remained…relatively aware of the situation.
My brother and I got my father situated and went down to the store to grab some pre made deli sandwiches and whatnot. I talked with my brother a bit…about plans, what his needs were. How he was holding up. He was so excited to sleep in an actual bed…haha He was so ready to sleep. He had been living in the hospital basically. Trying to sleep on a cot made for someone half his size. Listening for sounds of distress from my fathers hospital bed. My brother…I know that there is a lot you can bring yourself to deal with when faced with an extraordinary situation. But I'm not sure I could have done what he did. When I left them, I told them I'd be around if they needed me, and to call me if anything happened, I would just be trying to relax.
I was in an emotionally damaging relationship for a long time. I learned to listen to my instincts after that. But I had found myself, when finally out of that situation, not really knowing who I was anymore…That was a scary feeling. I put a lot of work into getting back to feeling comfortable socially, emotionally, being able to open up again. In that process I did become quite selfish. I was selfish with my lovers, my affections, my friends, and family. Not so much directly as indirectly. In order to repair myself I needed to start putting myself first. But in that discovery I put myself first before anyone. My feelings came first, I came first, always. I had to go from one end all the way to the other before learning how to scale back to a balance. No one gets the balance perfect. I didn't.
"K" was a conquest. In the beginning. My LA conquest. Just like the rest of them over the past year. "K" just happened to be…turn out to be…something I didn't want to conquer anymore. My selfishness was on high when we met. In this…I felt I could find a reason to stop. A reason to open again. I thought so…anyway. My way of interacting with women had become almost sport. Very shallow in determination, short sighted goals. The idea being I would only put in the minimal amount of effort. I had been spoiled by finding plenty of friends who were true "bed buddies". Friends who wouldn't mind if you didn't call them for days, who didn't necessarily sleep over every night. I needed easy, but what happened was I became lazy. And partially irresponsible to what effect my actions really had. It was really hard for me to really take other's feelings into account. Or at least to act like I had.
Wednesday. was definitely naked and watch dorky movie day. We may have left to get coffee and donuts at some point. I felt in a canopy of someone else life. Just rolling around in someones else's bed, wearing someone else's skin. I didn't have a sick father, I wasn't from somewhere else…I didn't have to leave, she didn't like me this much…I living out someone else's world. It couldn't be mine. She was too beautiful, liked me too much, I lived to far away, my father was in way to serious a situation. This didn't belong to me. Thursday, after a very satisfying day. I had to leave my canopy life. I don't remember hearing from my brother or father all day Wednesday. "K" went in for a half day so we didn't have to get up so early. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to find out what was waiting for me…"K" and I did our usual, "you should come with me", "You should just stay" routine. It was getting harder to resist, harder for me to stay in my own head about me. I was slipping into familiar territory of making my life into someone else's. Escape.
As I left I called my brother. I discovered that my father had developed a fever the night before and was unable to properly eat or process food. They had returned to the hospital. At first I was incredibly upset at not being included in what was happening. Selfish. Too many times. I drive to the hospital, back to the same floor, same hallway. I check in with them…that guilt creeps up. My father insists he's ok…just working through it. Him and my brother are used to this. I think what it showed me…is the incredible adaptability of people. Yes, my father was in an incredible amount of discomfort. But I could see that his face had changed since Arizona. And rather than stay with my guilt, I actually felt better for him. That sounds really strange. But I think it came from me just needing to take what I could get from any kind of progress. My father was having the most intense of stomach ache…I'd take that over a monstrous growth crushing his insides any day of the week. And I think he was in the same place. And that little tiny bit of comfort went a long way down the road.
My father and I are very similar. I had the hardest time admitting that to myself but it's very true. When I see myself falling into behaviors similar to his…well I get really self conscious. I feel it's not any one's idea to grow up to be their father, however inevitable it may be. Ha. Well, my father to had a new lady in his life. One I had never met before that morning I show up in the hospital. They met overseas at some point and she flew over with everything. We're talking 4-5 months tops. It felt alien to share such and intimate experience with a stranger. And with a stranger who had an intimate yet foreign relationship with my father. I'm very protective of my feelings remember. Close to the chest. So this felt like a violation at first. But…you grow up, you realize that there is a moment where your parents are separate people from you. They don't have any responsibility to put their life on hold for you, to check with you who or who shouldn't be involved with their intimate moments and events. There is a mutual separation between parent and child that happens with age. Again selfish. When faced with something that appears as selfish. Reaction.
I drove back home. I timed it to get back in the evening. Miss the traffic on both ends.
The comment on this pic says, "Wrong way, try again"…wrong way…try again.
To be continued.
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