Sickness, Summers, Fathers, and Lovers: Part 2 - LA is on fire.

Surgery and Aftermath. LA is on fire.

Waiting rooms. Seriously. Such a bizarre room. The thing that I realized while sitting there is that it's not just your family. You get to sit in with everyone else going through something either just as serious or random procedures. It's a strange mix. The ultimate people watching experience. You see it all in the waiting room.

My family was all accounted for. And all in various stages of "waiting game" frustration. We (or I at least) didn't get to see my father before he went under. They start pretty early. Not sure what time I got there…8 or 9am. I tried to bring a book, that wasn't happening. You constantly raise your head at the sight of anyone official looking coming down the halls. An overwhelming weight sits on you the entire time. You feel so saturated, and when sitting next to these floor to ceiling windows with the fire LA sky falling on you the entire time, I couldn't get comfortable. I found a corner chair away from everyone and just sat staring at printed words on paper, flipping pages only because I felt I had to feel normal. When in reality my heart was just waiting to stop.

Rape sloths. Yes. Those are kind of what got me through the day (for those who don't know, they are a controversial meme series). Now. Before you freak out on me, let me explain. Remember "K", that was one of the things we were cracking up about the night we met. The time I was sitting in that room, she would send me rape sloth memes. It was something that made me smile. I dunno, it warmed me to have something to laugh at, consoled me when very little else would. Despite what happens later in the story…without that…it would have been a very different day. And I've told her this since.

Deep down though, regardless of the texting distractions. There was something very important that I wasn't doing. I feel a lot of people are/can be guilty of doing this. No judgment here. But I was escaping the real emotions I was facing. What I wasn't doing, facing the feelings about my father head on. You get scared. Just the truth. It's something I've become very aware of myself in general. This moment. This opportunity. Such a unique chance to really get into myself and deal with shit, was I wasting it? I feel if it wasn't the girl it would've been something else. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And later on, this comes back around…and still goes on now, why things happen the way they do.

My Uncle, brother and I go out for a bit. My texts with "K" have been pretty consistent by this point. As I think now, my head was in my phone for most of this day, well, a lot of it. My brother was standing by my father through this whole thing. Out of school for the summer, he had all the time on his hands. Also the fact that he was looking into nursing made it all the more appropriate for him to be there. But the connection between us is very silent. Both of us I feel are wanderers. Which gives us a sort of understanding between us. That's how I feel anyway. I never asked him how he was doing. He's a blank canvas sometimes. You just don't know where he's at. Unlike myself…I wear my emotions on my sleeves sometimes…ok a lot of the time.

My uncle takes my brother shopping for some clothes. He has been sleeping in the hospital room this entire time. With worn out jeans…living out of a suitcase, to which I can definitely relate to. I've always been amazed at his resilience through all of this. His ability for a nursing career definitely shows. He impressed me so much, we haven't spent that much time together in the last few years…but I'm always proud of him.

We return to the hospital for some more sitting. It was sometime between 2-5pm (I know that's a big gap but my memory of this is hazy) when the doctor comes to find us…

Success.

They had felt anyway, that the removal of the tumor was completely successful. The initial concern was that due to the size and location that all the tissue wouldn't be able to be removed. Which would mean either some small radiation or another surgery if it turned out to be an issue. But Doc felt that this wasn't the case. He looked very tired. He was allowed. The tumor was 27lbs. if you do the math, ladies and gents. That's just shy of 4 babies. Yeah. I felt the same way. We go in to see him after he's been cleaned up and put back to his room. Obviously there wasn't anything to talk to him about…he's so out of it when we see him…a thumbs up sign is about all he can muster…with a slight groan I can only assume was a laugh. I almost broke down…it was like "how many steps can I take before I just let it go" how far could I get away before letting it all hit me. I was getting very used to that pressure behind my eyes.

* I checked my calendar to confirm the dates and timing for the next sequence of events but couldn't find it on this new computer, at least not an accurate record. So I'm going with my gut.

I told "K" that Thursday was looking to be too much of a family day for me to come over. But to expect me Friday. I got work taken care of until Sunday Which allowed me all Saturday to take my time and drive up without a time limit. But I have to say, that I don't remember the family time Thursday. Pretty sure it consisted of going in between the hospital and other places. Lots of visiting with my father and listening, waiting, for doctor updates. Things were in a much better mood (obviously) With so much of my attention being pulled in one way or another, from work, family, sex, I never really focused on the conflict that was going on inside. I was ready to just pat my father on the back, say "good job for not dying" and take off, I wanted it to be that easy.

By Friday family was up and about in full swing. My father was more awake…but very uncomfortable. The operation had cut him open from belly to sternum. It looked like something…well…I just hope for all of you reading you never have to know what that looks like on a loved one. I know a few of you know what I'm talking about. It made me think…since I'm a film guy and all…that the argument for gore movies desensitizing youth, I don't think it’s actually as weighted as people think. I watch all kinds of crazy stuff, I like the rush, and the challenge it gives my perceptions. After seeing that on my father, believe me, it was like I'd never seen a horror movie before. The pressure behind my eyes…I wanted it gone so badly. There is a necessity to it I realize now. But then…I wanted feel anything else. 

"K" asked me to bring a bottle of wine when I came over. She had sent me her address earlier, and said she'd be home from work and ready for me around 6-7pm (I'm pretty sure that was it). I found the place about 45mins away from where I was…it was not the most popular traveled route in LA so traffic wasn't an issue. I remember not feeling as nervous as I thought I would be. After some U-Turns, I found a grocery store near the intersection of her place (VIA the address she sent) Grabbed some red and headed to her complex. Now I was getting that little be of awkward anxiousness. It was an open complex, like a village. I parked and found myself at her door. After two days of very frequent communication, even thought this was more or less the first time we would meet as "real" people, I remember being nervous...out of my element. I was playing outside of my comfort zone, in a new town, new girl…for the first time really.

When I go up to the door, immediately a dog from inside starts going crazy barking. You can tell it’s a small dog. And I'm like, of course…haha. I'm not really afraid of strange dogs or animals, I'm really very OK with meeting new animals but you know that feeling, it's this whole other element to the already awkwardness. "K" invites me in and apologizes for the mess. She had some less than mature roommates at the time so I could see a little bit of "college dorm" type messes. I didn't care…but of course she did. haha. Her barking little dog warmed to me eventually. Most animals do. I walked in and past her as she's explaining the mess and dog from behind me. I remember just turning back around, taking two steps for me to kiss her. Not too long of one, but not a peck. It was one of my best, one of those kisses where everything lined up. It softened my chattering nerves a bit, I felt at the time it did hers too. It was like that awkwardness when meeting a new person had disappeared.

We chatted about each other for a min. She explained this was the place she shared with her ex husband before they separated. I think I mentioned earlier the night we met she was celebrating her divorce papers going through. She walked me around and we went upstairs. We talked for a while actually, before you get any ideas. She is a total dork. I loved that. We bullshitted about our combined nerd stuff for a while. She pointed to and described things in her room. We started getting twisted up in each other…you know what I'm talking about. That pretzel that happens before you're OK with starting to really get to it. Clothes still on. It was the right person, at the right time, for the right reasons. However temporary those reasons were. Everything was right for me that night. My shoulders relaxed, I could let myself go of everything that was going on with me. This allowed that for me, this made me feel safe that night, whether she was aware of it or not.

I've experienced this a couple of times, as I’m sure a lot of others have as well, the somewhat awkward conversation of “can I sleep over? should I go?" haha. Thankfully, she was more than happy to have me for the night. That was a good night of sleep. Waking up next to someone like that is always a perfect way to start the day. It was Saturday now, and "K" didn't have work. I needed to get back to the hospital for family stuff before I started driving back home to the Oakland. I can't remember if breakfast was involved. Regardless, as I gathered my stuff she walked me out to my car bringing her dog. We kissed on the goodbye and she started walking back towards her place, to take her dog around for a sec. As I drove out of the complex I passed her and rolled down the passenger window. "You should just get in and come with me, last chance...” I said. She leaned in the window and gave me a long kiss. "You should just stay" I think she said. I may have said that I'll be back soon, she maybe said something like "just let me know". We both smiled and I drove off back to my real life. I still remember looking at her in my mirror until I couldn't see her anymore.

I could breathe again. I suddenly found I couldn't be bothered by anything. Most people would be like "of course you feel that way, you just got laid" and they would partially be right. But they would also be wrong. It was the connection, a true connection. I hadn't really…really felt that in a very long time. I missed that. In all the relationships I had over the past year, however fleeting this one night may have been, I hadn’t felt that in long time. But it was just a valve release…one valve release. I had more that were under pressure.

When I returned to the hospital, everyone else had already gotten there. Since I had been preoccupied I took my time, arriving maaayyybeee 9:30? All the same, there wasn't any kind of agreed upon meeting time but apparently everyone had been up early, I didn't really see the point in that, but my uncle called me out pretty quick for being the last one to arrive. I didn't tell anyone why that was. My uncle has a very strong personality. And he doesn't make apologies for it, and I respect that. Being able to finally look at him in the face and talk to him like an adult is something I hold very close to me. But when he did that, it did reinforce some underlying feelings. Escape. Detachment. Presence. I was doing the minimal amount expect of me in terms of being present with what was going on. I couldn't find the ability to do more. The doc said they would keep him in the hospital for only ten more days. I was surprised, we all were. It seemed like a quick turnaround but the doctor insisted that he just needed to make sure he start ingesting foods and protein on his own. Then it would be a series of checkups to keep an eye on any possible returning cancer growths. But the prognosis was excellent. There was a level of conflict that was eliminated for me. But at the same time, I new eventually I would have to deal with the real issues…This was an opportunity. An opportunity to really face some of the things I had bottled up about my relationship to my father. It was like someone said, "you're not getting off that easy, you have to deal with this." That was a hard thing to realize... But how exactly, to do it was even harder.

I took off from the hospital and hit the highway back to Oakland. I was a different person. When so much happens to you that affects you as deeply as all of this does, its impossible not to be. "K" and I continued to message each other. We played light flirting, "when are you coming back? “Let me know", etc.…my father was ok…for now. And I had just skimmed the surface of what was about to happen. Was I going to take this new information and do something with it?…or relinquish myself to its whim? You can control where things take you, or just allow it to do it for you. They are two very different things. But you have to learn to see it.

I ended up returning to LA ten days later…my father was being released from the hospital. 

To be continued.